Accepting the new normal

Ahh yes, the new normal. I have come to realize that I don’t think like most “normal” humans. I am reading the book Trauma Stewardship (An everyday guide to caring for self while caring for others) and am learning that the thoughts I have are not normal, but very normal for the work I do and that my co-workers have these thoughts too.

Here are some examples … on my honeymoon we did a lot of hiking near many cliffs and waterfalls and while I enjoyed the view I couldn’t help but think how easy it would be to “off” someone and push them over the edge and just say they slipped. Most people would just enjoy the view.

That new app that is out “Snapchat” (or whatever it’s called) where you can send a message and it disappears within seconds….yeah I think about how abusers will now be able to victimize their partners without any record of it. It’s going to make it easy to send a message that says “I am going to kill you” and know it will disappear in 10 seconds. Now what the fuck is she supposed to do? How is that victim supposed to prove that. Yep, another way to fuck someone over.

There will always be this tiny part of me that believes that my husband (truly the sweetest man) is plotting someway to screw me over and leave me with debt, will cheat on me, will kill me (I constantly say “it’s okay if you want to leave me, just please don’t kill me”). And why do I do this? Because in my line of work…this is the shit men do. Seriously, who thinks this stuff? Oh yeah…the woman who just watched on the news last night that someone was killed most likely by her soon to be ex-husband. 

I also have come to accept that when someone asks me how my day is I will just reply and say “oh it was fine, nothing to report”. Yeah…ha. Nothing other than I sat face to face with someone who is telling people she was in a car accident because she doesn’t want to tell anyone else the truth. The truth…her partner had just beat the shit out of her. She asked me “How do I look, does it look that bad”. Umm “No, it really doesn’t”. When inside I am screaming and thinking how crushed I would be if I had been beaten and how there is no way in hell I would be out and about and going to work and meeting with an advocate. I am amazed at the strength these women have to call DAIS, to tell me their secrets – things they have never told anyone else before.

I have come to realize that when I do share something with someone and they give me the eyes of “OMG, please stop that is horrible”, I will always be thinking “wow…what I am telling you is not even that bad, if I only told you what I really hear and see”. It’s not that bad…yep. I said it. I protect myself by putting different control and abusive tactics and atrocities into categories; thinking - ehh it could be worse to that’s pretty bad to holy shit, I am not going to stop thinking about this all day now.

I understand that there will be days when I am cooking dinner and hear the screams of women on the crisis line.

I also understand that there will be an unspoken connection and look between me and other folks in trauma work. (Police officers, nurses, doctors, paramedics…just to name a few). We get it, no one really wants to hear about our day and so we will politely nod and say “oh my day…it was fine”.

How was your day? 

Seriously, Pink

Trust me, I get it I understand people sporting pink, hell I walked in the 3 Day 60 mile breast cancer walk in 2007, I am all for a cure, but what about the PURPLE! Why are we not sporting the purple everywhere. Can't we share? I can't wait for the day where domestic violence is not behind closed doors anymore. We need the support, we need the funding to support these vital services. 25 beds for all of Dane County? Really, Dane County...are we saying that's good enough? Please talk to the 50 people on our wait list and tell them that it is good enough and we don't need shelters, they just need to get a job and find permanent housing, right? Go ahead...but wait, I understand this too...it's so much easier to go home at night and drink your latte next to the fire and forget there are any problems in your county. It sure is nice to live in a bubble, huh? So, my point...see I go off on tangents because my mind is going a million miles per hour with a thousand thoughts, is we have 6 days left this month and I challenge you all to wear purple at least once and tell someone it's domestic violence awareness month; Be the person getting your haircut and the stylist is using a pink comb and say "you know, it's also domestic violence awareness month". Spread the word. 

Okay, on a happier note because I don't want this to be so negative, yep there I go finding the positive in life (as we say at work "positive re-frame"), it's my 4 year wedding anniversary today! 4 years ago at this time I was dancing at my wedding and enjoying the moment with the love of my life, Ben. We have been so blessed. He has an amazing job, I have an amazing job, and we have the two most beautiful, precious little girls in the world. If my girls are as half as passionate about things that I am...then boy is Ben in for a long couple of years! Love you babe and can't wait to celebrate many more anniversaries. Thank you for always letting me feel safe with you. Take a look at this picture...boy have we changed! Cheers to us! 

Yours Truly,
MS 

Critical Purple Therapy

Where do I even start? I decided to start this blog as therapy to write about the work I do. It's been draining as of late. I dread opening the newspaper or turning on the news wondering if one of the hundreds of women and men I have worked with over the last 5 years will be in there as either a homicide victim, beaten, or missing...I dread this especially in the wake of the most recent homicides that have occurred and I just ask myself...why...why...why. Why does this happen. Logically, I know all the facts of domestic violence, I could talk about it until I am blue in the face. Ask me anything...ask me the warning signs, ask me the barriers, ask me about the cycle of violence, ask me about the power and control wheel, ask me how many types of violence there are...BUT don't ask me why. Don't ask me why this happens...I don't know. I wish I did, but if I did would it just cause more pain or would it help. I don't know. I just don't know.

People ask me all the time, what do I do? I give the simple answer. I coordinate and supervise the crisis line, crisis response, and support group programs. That answer seems to appease most. Do you want the truth? I pick up the crisis line and listen to women scream into it...no words, just screaming...those are the screams that play over and over in my head. I sit in support group and listen to 10 people cry and share stories of pain and triumph and how they know the abuse is now happening to their kids, after group I send those kids off with their mommies...praying that tonight they can sleep safe. I sit in a meeting with women who bring their fathers and mothers as support and I watch grown men and women (mothers and fathers) break down and cry and ask me how they can help their child...ask me how I can save their child. I go through safety plans with people to try and help them plan their escape or how to stay safe if they have to stay in the relationship. I listen...I hear...I listen...I hear. I WORK IN HOMICIDE PREVENTION.

It's not all doom and gloom, I hold onto the precious moments like when the young girl grabbed me and hugged me and told me I was saving her life. I cry with women when they tell me they did it...they left! I watch young boys grow into men who speak out against violence. I hold the kids in shelter knowing they are safe tonight and we laugh and play. I get to watch new advocates come into this field and I know I'm not alone because it takes a special person to do this work. I love those days, I love my job. Really, I do.

Don't even ask me about my girls, will they understand the work I do? Will they see the good? Will they understand why I leave them everyday? Will they stand up and speak out against violence? ....Will they be a victim? That last one scares me more than anything. Do I keep them innocent or do I show them they hate in this World? What do I show them? How do I show them? I don't want to damage their precious souls with thoughts of "who is around the next corner", but I want them to be smart, I want them to know the warning signs, and I want them to always come to me no matter what. So much pressure as a mom who sees what a cruel World we live in everyday. Sometimes I secretly wish I could be ignorant and ignore the things happening around me and not come home at night and feel guilt that I have this life and my kids are so lucky, I wish I could feel normal about it. I am working on it and it helps to know that my kids are safe...my kids are safe...my kids are safe. I know I can't live like this and feel guilty for the life I have. But tell me...how can I go to sleep at night safe in my bed and know my kids are listening to their lullaby music in the next room when I know that kids are sleeping on the streets or listening on the stairwell as mommy tries not to scream too loud as daddy beats her. It's something I'm working on...getting the cries and screams out of my head and only letting in the smiles and laughter of my children in late at night. I know I have to cherish those times when my babies wake up at 3 in the morning and just soak up all their innocence and love while I can.

All I can do it keep moving forward and looking into the future and knowing that it is bright and that I will wake up tomorrow and go back and speak out. I will go back for all the women who cannot speak out. I will go back.