Where do I even start? I decided to start this blog as therapy to write about the work I do. It's been draining as of late. I dread opening the newspaper or turning on the news wondering if one of the hundreds of women and men I have worked with over the last 5 years will be in there as either a homicide victim, beaten, or missing...I dread this especially in the wake of the most recent homicides that have occurred and I just ask myself...why...why...why. Why does this happen. Logically, I know all the facts of domestic violence, I could talk about it until I am blue in the face. Ask me anything...ask me the warning signs, ask me the barriers, ask me about the cycle of violence, ask me about the power and control wheel, ask me how many types of violence there are...BUT don't ask me why. Don't ask me why this happens...I don't know. I wish I did, but if I did would it just cause more pain or would it help. I don't know. I just don't know.
People ask me all the time, what do I do? I give the simple answer. I coordinate and supervise the crisis line, crisis response, and support group programs. That answer seems to appease most. Do you want the truth? I pick up the crisis line and listen to women scream into it...no words, just screaming...those are the screams that play over and over in my head. I sit in support group and listen to 10 people cry and share stories of pain and triumph and how they know the abuse is now happening to their kids, after group I send those kids off with their mommies...praying that tonight they can sleep safe. I sit in a meeting with women who bring their fathers and mothers as support and I watch grown men and women (mothers and fathers) break down and cry and ask me how they can help their child...ask me how I can save their child. I go through safety plans with people to try and help them plan their escape or how to stay safe if they have to stay in the relationship. I listen...I hear...I listen...I hear. I WORK IN HOMICIDE PREVENTION.
It's not all doom and gloom, I hold onto the precious moments like when the young girl grabbed me and hugged me and told me I was saving her life. I cry with women when they tell me they did it...they left! I watch young boys grow into men who speak out against violence. I hold the kids in shelter knowing they are safe tonight and we laugh and play. I get to watch new advocates come into this field and I know I'm not alone because it takes a special person to do this work. I love those days, I love my job. Really, I do.
Don't even ask me about my girls, will they understand the work I do? Will they see the good? Will they understand why I leave them everyday? Will they stand up and speak out against violence? ....Will they be a victim? That last one scares me more than anything. Do I keep them innocent or do I show them they hate in this World? What do I show them? How do I show them? I don't want to damage their precious souls with thoughts of "who is around the next corner", but I want them to be smart, I want them to know the warning signs, and I want them to always come to me no matter what. So much pressure as a mom who sees what a cruel World we live in everyday. Sometimes I secretly wish I could be ignorant and ignore the things happening around me and not come home at night and feel guilt that I have this life and my kids are so lucky, I wish I could feel normal about it. I am working on it and it helps to know that my kids are safe...my kids are safe...my kids are safe. I know I can't live like this and feel guilty for the life I have. But tell me...how can I go to sleep at night safe in my bed and know my kids are listening to their lullaby music in the next room when I know that kids are sleeping on the streets or listening on the stairwell as mommy tries not to scream too loud as daddy beats her. It's something I'm working on...getting the cries and screams out of my head and only letting in the smiles and laughter of my children in late at night. I know I have to cherish those times when my babies wake up at 3 in the morning and just soak up all their innocence and love while I can.
All I can do it keep moving forward and looking into the future and knowing that it is bright and that I will wake up tomorrow and go back and speak out. I will go back for all the women who cannot speak out. I will go back.
No comments:
Post a Comment