Accepting the new normal

Ahh yes, the new normal. I have come to realize that I don’t think like most “normal” humans. I am reading the book Trauma Stewardship (An everyday guide to caring for self while caring for others) and am learning that the thoughts I have are not normal, but very normal for the work I do and that my co-workers have these thoughts too.

Here are some examples … on my honeymoon we did a lot of hiking near many cliffs and waterfalls and while I enjoyed the view I couldn’t help but think how easy it would be to “off” someone and push them over the edge and just say they slipped. Most people would just enjoy the view.

That new app that is out “Snapchat” (or whatever it’s called) where you can send a message and it disappears within seconds….yeah I think about how abusers will now be able to victimize their partners without any record of it. It’s going to make it easy to send a message that says “I am going to kill you” and know it will disappear in 10 seconds. Now what the fuck is she supposed to do? How is that victim supposed to prove that. Yep, another way to fuck someone over.

There will always be this tiny part of me that believes that my husband (truly the sweetest man) is plotting someway to screw me over and leave me with debt, will cheat on me, will kill me (I constantly say “it’s okay if you want to leave me, just please don’t kill me”). And why do I do this? Because in my line of work…this is the shit men do. Seriously, who thinks this stuff? Oh yeah…the woman who just watched on the news last night that someone was killed most likely by her soon to be ex-husband. 

I also have come to accept that when someone asks me how my day is I will just reply and say “oh it was fine, nothing to report”. Yeah…ha. Nothing other than I sat face to face with someone who is telling people she was in a car accident because she doesn’t want to tell anyone else the truth. The truth…her partner had just beat the shit out of her. She asked me “How do I look, does it look that bad”. Umm “No, it really doesn’t”. When inside I am screaming and thinking how crushed I would be if I had been beaten and how there is no way in hell I would be out and about and going to work and meeting with an advocate. I am amazed at the strength these women have to call DAIS, to tell me their secrets – things they have never told anyone else before.

I have come to realize that when I do share something with someone and they give me the eyes of “OMG, please stop that is horrible”, I will always be thinking “wow…what I am telling you is not even that bad, if I only told you what I really hear and see”. It’s not that bad…yep. I said it. I protect myself by putting different control and abusive tactics and atrocities into categories; thinking - ehh it could be worse to that’s pretty bad to holy shit, I am not going to stop thinking about this all day now.

I understand that there will be days when I am cooking dinner and hear the screams of women on the crisis line.

I also understand that there will be an unspoken connection and look between me and other folks in trauma work. (Police officers, nurses, doctors, paramedics…just to name a few). We get it, no one really wants to hear about our day and so we will politely nod and say “oh my day…it was fine”.

How was your day?